Autumn 2002


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What Goes In

Quiz Nite 14 September - sensational revelations!
Phil Courtney

In a knife edge contest between the finest brains of Britain – marked by the most blatant official favouritism and bias – the Retirers pulled marginally ahead in a last gasp desperate final lunge for the line, and proved finally victorious in a white knuckle photo finish. The cynics amongst us might attribute the final score more to the liberal attitudes taken by the victors to the concept of self assessment (the vanquished may in a display of community spirit report them to the tax man – be warned!).

The Big Cats – noted for their advanced concepts of British fair play – i.e. loosing with a rictus grin – attempted to bring to the organisers attention various breeches of EEC rules (didn’t vote for it myself) appertaining to quiz Nites and sailing clubs – there was no protest committee!! – as is so clearly mandated in Volume 4 section 112 subsection 8 paragraph 14 of EEC directive 1999 / 124. There’s no point in being in the common market if we don’t follow the rules! It has

subsequently emerged that the appropriate notification was sent to Brussels but not in Polish (the language of the day)

The first round consisted of deciphering words written by some graduate of modern education. All the right letters but not in the right order. It became immediately apparent the ‘Bar Hoppers’ had obviously bribed – not to strong a word – with over copious libations, our genial host.

Then on to the mathematical questions We were asked to do some not very sensible sums – seemingly derived from our genial hosts phoney expenses claims. We should have had sensible questions – such as ’Given that ballot papers weigh 20 grams, and waste paper fetches £30 the tonne, calculate the value of voting Conservative at the last general election?’ It transpired that the ‘generosity’ of our bar tending colleges may have rendered our genial host incapable of working out his shopping bill.

After a sojourn for a fish supper – excellent fuel for masterminds – we entered round three – ‘General Knowledge’ Again the quality of the questions appeared to owe too much to Woolworth’s made in Taiwan Christmas crackers. There were some questions about America – none of which required a knowledge of the social and political inadequacies of that dissolute rabble. We were not asked for example ‘list foreign countries in Xenophobic order?’ Neither were there questions of social, historical and political importance – such as ‘In what year did women get the vote – and why? (Note that the second half of the question is obviously a trick question).

Going into the final round the field was wide open - the perspiring teams straining at every leash in the competitive determination to gain the advantage – but DISASTER! The questions were about songs and shows and such like limp wristed stuff – thus hugely and unfairly disadvantaging those teams lacking a pooftah element. One particular team – nameless due to the strictures of the Wolfenden report did remarkably well. The Big Cats defended their heterosexuality by proudly scoring flat zero.

The eventual winners – doubtless by collusion – were the Retirers who assuaged their guilty consciences by sharing their ill gotten loot – choccies - with the vanquished valiant victims of verbose vacuous vauldevillian vicissitude.

I’m sure the attendees of what was a humorous and anodyne event will join me in thanking the organisers Joan & George Bray, and Peter & Diana Carpenter for getting the fish and chips. All the work they did to arrange a thoroughly good do was much appreciated. When things run seamlessly, it’s a sure indication of the thoroughness and diligence of the organisers.

Editors note

The committee wish to explain that the EEC rules on quiz Nites were in fact deliberately flouted on this occasion. The Society of Wastepaper Reprocesses has indicated that a few goodish complaints to the Brussels commission should provide sufficient bumph to substantially reduce next years subscriptions. Members are invited to write to their MEP’s next Thursday – particularly members familiar with both Welsh and Serbo Croat. Note that the following week the language of choice is Welsh.