I am much indebted to John & Annie Neale who live just a few doors away from me in
Stoneleigh. I had mentioned to them that I didn't get much input to the club newsletter
and that people must get sick and tired of reading the stuff I keep churning out.
John & Annie had obviously thought about this and turned up one evening with a compendium
of wit and frivolity put together by a friend of theirs. They suggested that I might
be able to use some of it in the next newsletter.
My immediate reaction, after reading it, was to cancel the next newsletter and publish
what they given me instead. However sense prevailed and so I will include portions
of it over the next few additions of 'Mainsheet'. I trust you will enjoy reading
it as much as I did, and once again my thanks to John and Annie for thinking of this.
Reputedly these were answers given in response to the challenges of some exam questions.
Some students must have thought that, if you don't know an answer, you might get
some marks by making the weary examiners smile a little... Here we go...
1. English - Define the word 'monotony’. Monotony is being married to the same person
all your life.
2. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. Hands
that judicious can be soft as your face.
3. What does the word 'benign' mean? Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
4. What is the correct use of a semi-colon? Only to be used as a last resort, a semi-colon
is a partial removal of the intestines.
5. Technology - What is a turbine? Something an Arab wears on his head.
6. History - What is Britain's highest award for valour in war? Nelson's Column.
7. Who did not welcome the return of the prodigal son? The fatted calf.
8. What is a Hindu? It lays eggs.
9. Name some famous pilgrimages. Muslims used to go to Gamages but now it's closed.
Christians still go on pilgrimage to Lord's.
10. Geography - Name the four seasons. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Knowing your age - You'd better believe it!
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your drivers license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry,
he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes
you a mechanic.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
8. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
If you've found something of interest or that amuses you, if you've an event or an
exhibition that might be of interest, let's hear about it. If you've got a favourite
recipe, read a good book or been to an interesting place abroad let's hear about
it. If you want to write a short story or compose some poetry lets see it.
I could write a book about spending a day at the Maritime Museum at Greenwich or
the Royal Navy dockyard at Chatham but I'd rather you guys wrote something, from
your viewpoint. So come on, sharpen up your quill pens or crank up your word processors,
forget what people might think and write about something that we could put in an
edition of 'Mainsheet' next year.
You can even add a few photographs to illustrate your opus. It's a lot easier than
you think and it also means I don't have to write so much, which I'm sure everybody
would be happy about.